how do you define success? what does success means to you? in life, relationship, friends, families, work, dreams etc. is it becoz i felt disappointed in some areas tts y i put all my hopes in myself, my future... the scholarship... i now tts not it. it took my quite some time to get over the rejection. i know i have to keep trying, in one way or another.
just when i'm feeling sucks at what i'm gg thru, other people might be at worse state den me. financially i cant say mine is bad, just that mb oversea studies is really out of qn w/o scholarship. when i used to think that it comes so easy but now i just have to be grateful. i cannot deny that my definition of success is money and to have a success career. i won't call my current job a career. it gets boring sometimes. i have to re adjust my thinking, re setting my goals. recently feeling quite down. gets negative feelings easy. felt neglected and unappreciated. i know my social life sucks, and its getting worse n worse. i duno how to talk to people. lost the ability to communicate and socialise. i'm living in my own mind. i need to clear my mind and tots. i wanna open up but alot of stuffs just shut me down. feels like there are many knots in my brain. very fed up and annoying. i wanna be carefree n have fun again....
tml will be a better day....................
wish upon a star atMonday, October 12, 2009.Monday, October 12, 2009
some brief updates: MC (again) on tue n wed due to flu, sore throat and cold sore... practically slack at home, did some tidy up and thinking... abt past, now and then. haha... make a new spect (hope its not on impulse coz the one i'm using now is not spoilt thou)
today had a very bad start of the day, i quarrelled. not verbally but tensionally if you know what i meant. if you just see the things tt happened, its just a small matter... but for me is about attitude. i cannot stand ppl who are ignorant, who do the things they feel like it w/o considering other ppl feelings... for this kind of ppl i wun get face one, even it is just a small matter. one action really turns me off n i take it coz i dun wan to lose my temper... but i cannot tahan when i told my dad what happened... the things he say makes me tears from my hse to work plc... from his illness, to his relationship with his siblings, abt how he control his temper not to vent anger at families due to work stress, says home is a shelter where ppl will express their true feelings, abt teenager duno how to manage their time and piorities etc etc...
i did not voice out doesn't mean i'm free from stress and trouble... i always smile and joke ard doesn't mean i duno how is it like to feel stress and pressured by whatever the society or 'true' world is... the main reason is i dun wan me parents to worry for me... i take care of my own business n not whine about how pathetic my life is when i'm feeling down... but unfortunately (for me), they care more about those who are 'weak' and tense to give in too much tt they take it for granted... thats their teaching style, if it happens to me... i wun get a damn... they have to face it themselves and not vent it on families... why should i give in when tt person dun respect me as elderly... so as an elderly i'll teach them the cruel meaning of 'true' life... there is so much things i wan to talk back when my dad told me about all the meaning of life... but i just sit there and keep silence... i dun wish to worsen his worry... or misunderstood if there is any... for my parents'sake, i take it... frankly, i felt neglect by them. is it tt i dun cause any trouble they think less abt me? or they dun hav any hopes on me coz i'm a girl. finish uni, working now... done. their job is done. i'm on my own now... no need to say i still got 2 younger bro... who are still studying n still have a future they have to look after... but neither do they give me the pressure of 'taking' care of their future...
i'm grateful to the small actions thou... tt my dad will drive me to work some times, today he came to fetch me when i worked till 8pm (while he had sth to do in town). he bought me ferrero rochers to cheer me up due to mrn incident. what i wan to voice out is tt... i have my own problems and desires in life... i wan them to feel proud tt i'm doing fine on my own tt they dun have to worry for me and not jus thinking abt how well spoon fed with all the things in life tt that have given me.
i just received a call tis aftern tt i'm shortlisted for the interview for the scholarship! i'm thrilled. i'll just have to prepare for the interview... hope i wun blew this chance away... i really kinda put all my hope in it... its like my future is in tt scholarship, whether or not i'm able to futher my education (or increase my pay cheaque ;P) is in it... *finger crossed*
wish upon a star atThursday, September 17, 2009.Thursday, September 17, 2009
i should be slping by now... coz im working tml... yes! tml is sunday n i have to work!! haiz... the only thing tt i would want to work on sun is the double pay... but sadly i have to work on christmas day which is a paid public holiday so that is no double pay but hours off only. arghh...
anw... recently i've been thinking abt my life... whats nx? time passes so fast... been working for 1 yr n 7 mths. catch up with some frens during monash alumni dinner n i keep thinking abt what others r doing... what im doing n what i will be doing for the rest of my life... although we graduated with the same course, some took different route... most of us work in lab. one took up management level, he seems to be doing gd as he is climbing up the ladder already... but i look at my situation... nah... long way in my job man... felt like im kinda stuck. i felt its not enough... i wanted more... thinking abt the gd life i wan but if i stay in my current situation its hard to achieve. there is no sense of achivement from my current job too... i'm just like a factory worker. been wanting to get away n do sth else... if i were to change lab... lets see... there is a lot of research labs which requires molecular skills... but in my lab what i've been learning n doing is mainly microb stuffs... which sadly is not very much practice in other labs... now tt my skills r very limited...
further studies... is what i really want to.... but financially is difficult... to think back the time when i jus graduated. i wanted to further too... n to see those of my frens who r doing their further studies now... i envy them.... but the time when i graduated sth happened to my family that makes me drop the idea of gg back to studies... now that i thinking of what i want to do with my life, i would still want to further my studies... but now that i understand their situation, i cannot make myself for them to pay for my sch fees again... somemore i still got my study loan to pay for.... hai............ courses r very limited in sg... n private uni... r not that 'safe' to me anymore... just applied for oversea scholarship but its been almost 3 weeks n thats no news................... what else can i do????? been looking online on the courses that are available the whole night........ n thinking what i want to do.... but there are so many limitation...... what can i do..... just what can i do...
wish upon a star atSunday, September 13, 2009.Sunday, September 13, 2009
i only came to blog when i felt extreme feelings... where i duno where to turn to i will come to here. who cares anw... i just want to vent it out loud.
now i'm feeling very frustrated! just like any other boring day of my life... its mon as usual 1st day of the week... go to work n stuff... but i woke up with right swollen eye. its swelling n my veins r red... i tried to reduce the swelling by applying cloth with hot water... it still not getting any better... so i decided to take urgent leave to see doc. its 6.45am so i decided to send sms to my supervisor 1st. i tired to call at 7.15am but his hp off so i went back to slp at 7am n woke up 8am to make sure he gets my msg. its replied with an 'ok'. went back to slp again n woke up at 9am to see doc. when the clinic jus open, the doc havent even seen the 1st patient of the day i'm already 23rd on the list. so i went back home n ta bao breakfast back.
finally 11am i went to see doc. the swelling not as serious as compared to this mrn. the doc say its eye infection. n the doc confirm with me tt i had cold sore too. say my immune system gg down need to rest more drink more water n stuff... its common n not serious thou.. but he gave me 2 days of MC...
since the swelling gets better in the day so i tot of gg back to work tml... thou i'm temped to take 2 Days since tts what he gave me... after lunch n ate the drowsiness med i went to slp... my mum woke me up at 4.30pm saying my grandma called tt my supervisor said i did not tell him how many days of MC i'm taking... still feeling weak n tired due to the med i called him n tell him i'm taking 2 days. he said i should have told him earlier. qns me what time i go see doc n y i din call him earlier. i said i was slping. he say nx time muz tell him earlier. WTH... i'm still thinking of gg back to work tml if i gets better by tonight ma... since he wan an ans i've to tell ya its 2 days since tts what the doc gave me... ok fine... my bad den...
den at night my grandma called again in nag me abt the whole story... AGAIN! saying i should have call earlier so tt they can arrange ppl to do my job, must say one cannot last min bah bah bah... ... it goes on n on n on n on n on n on.................... i get really fed up u noe. I'm still thinking of gg back to work but on the other hand they thinks tt i'm irresponsible of my job!!!!! i keep arguing with her. but i state my point she states hers!!! no point talking man.... y do i have to explain myself when they dun even care~~ i thinking to myself if wed i go back n gave the MC my supervisor gave me the say lecture again... i duno how i will react... coz i jus cant take the blame for nth... i really duno what can happen if i argue back... just pray tt he wun ask...
tts what i hate abt been the small fish in a company... we r like at the lower rank... ppl jus keep asking for results n when things dun go well we r for them to blame... no wonder nobody likes him... but yet we have to appear nice so as not to leave bad impression... at the end of my work i keep thinking to myself this is not the life i wan for the rest of my working life...
i wan to further my education n get better job... i went for the career fair during weekends. fill up some forms from various health care company regarding application for scholarship / sponsorship. hear there is one on going n the actually ask ppl down for interview. i just applied n i hope i will get comfirmation soon. *cross fingers*
wish upon a star atMonday, August 24, 2009.Monday, August 24, 2009
Happy Chinese New Year!!
nth much this yr... din really celebrate cny for like 3 yrs... due to some unfortunate event. kinda like lost the mood liao. only visited my mother side grandma's hse and gathering at my father side cousin's hse. what else to do beside playing cards and mahjong? haha...
today is chu san, many ppl still gg to bai nian... but i went home after work... boring! msged some of my frens hoping there is some gathering soon. i need to have some life after work man...
new yr resolution... 1st thing tt comes to my mind... i want to drive by myself w/o any fears and guidance beside me. haha! i'm so ashame to say tt it has been almost a yr after i got my license =( planning to go out every weekends (hopefully) with my family to practice my driving... haha... so must think of a place to go every weekend... hope i can keep up with tt... i just drove myself to work today! with my father by my side of coz... haha... my bro fell aslp in the car... tts gd rite? meaning my driving very smooth? haha... it kinda makes me feel better thou... haha.
i might want to straighten my hair soon... its so troublesome to mantain curly hair... my hair is so dry if i dun apply anything...
suddenly, at this moment i feel like gg picnic. haha! how nice to lie on big greeny grass n strain my eyes under evening sun... :)
wish upon a star atWednesday, January 28, 2009.Wednesday, January 28, 2009
a week has passed. weekdays r working life for me, woke up at 6.15am... preparing to work, took pasir ris train at 7.10am or 7.20am, depends on my walking timing, start working at 8.05am, push the trolley from CPA to An02 and IV lab, come back n cover which ever bench is empty... do routine work... if got time den go for tea break at 10.45am... come back and wait for specimens to come... after doing my own bench work, will start looking ard to see who ever needs help... most of the time help them to key forms... until 1pm, go for lunch break. 2pm come back n continue working.. 4plus is the busiest as tts when we hav to rush all the work so tt we can end work on time at 5pm. finally after rushing, look ard for any unfinish work. time to wash hands and head to my locker to take my bag. imagine i did this every working day... i cant imagining im gg to do this for my life... its definately not the ''career'' i wan in future... probaby nov mth will be slightly different as im moving to the nx lab... while tt means sth new to learn which is gd... i suppose to have moved on last mth but due to insufficent of staff, i stayed in CPA for another 1 mth.
ok, weekdays... i msged some frens on fri but either late reply or no reply at all... no one bothers to plan and go out... while at least with me... nvm... i got to find my own plans anw... ming has already planned to go JB with his guys frens. i worked on sat til 1pm... was told to meet at town but i went back all the way back to wlds to meet yf, the rest has juz woke up only... went to cwp n had lunch at mos burger, its really long time since i had meal and chatted with fren like tt... n i really missed it. saw mr siva... haha, the 1st ting he said is abt his hair... really makes me laugh like mad! anw, the rest or still preparing and we planned to head town soon as i got to attend my cousin's bday celebration at 6pm at jalan rindu... picked zf up at admiralty and head to town to meet up with the rest and looked for bday presents... its so hard to look for presents, esp last min one... finally helped my parents and bought a espirt watch, and i got her body shop perfume sprays and 2009 organizer at taka... they got perfume for their fren as well...
sunday mrn... woke up and start looking for informations on further studies... i wanted to do some thing on my free time... either do some communities work or further studies... its so hard to find graduate study in sg... esp with an overseas deg... the requirements or either local uni deg or at least hons 2nd upper... n its all full time course. gave up looking at local gov uni... as for private like SMU or SIM... most of the courses r business course!! the only closest i found is Masters of Social Work.... haha! i m considering it... its only weekends course too. but i just missed the registeration date by 2 days for jan intake!! nvm... i guess i will work for 2 yrs be4 further studies... another 1 yr for me to hunt for courses~ :)
wish upon a star atSunday, November 02, 2008.Sunday, November 02, 2008
its been ages since i last blogged. haha. currently feeling pek cek coz i cant connect my hp to my com using the usb. keep saying its not recognized~! arghh!
anw, lots of things have been gg thru my mind recently... finally see the true colour of my own life... its been pathetic... its all started on last sat... ok 1st of all, fri nite was my 1st time working alone from 5pm to 8pm... yah... additional 3 hrs consider night shift at my work plc. anw, i worked till quite late! no time for me to key forms. parents came n wait for me n went for dinner tgt... nx mrn still got call back on sat... only den i found out i did sth wrongly on fri nite! :( things not gg well tt day during work... i was slow n blur... oh oh!!! in the mrn i still purposely woke up early to go for work to finish my work... who knows~~~ my pants zip spoiled while i was already outside! luckily my dad drove me to work tt day. hav to go to ys hse n borrow her skirt! how embarressing!
ok... heres the part... after work suppose to go out n have fun rite? but prob is... wif who? called yf, he said they suppose to be gg out since mrn n i was thinking of joining them after work... who knows they changed plans n i only found it out after my work... ok nvm... perhaps i'll just go to town alone n walk walk 1st... ming is booking out at 1pm... time really sucks... i really gonna say this... i hate to be alone. always thought it will alright to go out alone some times... but it has been for quite some time tt i've been walking alone... i really need some1 to be wif... to talk to n complain or laugh abt sth, anything!! but no one to share with at times when i really need it... i called some frens... but all r busy with their own life... i felt like an intruder... i felt like i dun belong in any place... imagination ran wild when i'm taking the train heading to a plc alone... i started to think alot alot alot... feelings tt i cant bottom up anymore... i called ming like a million times but he jus din pick up. for tt moment i felt completely alone.
finally he called me when he has already rched home n unpack all his stuffs. i know i shuldn't but i jus broke down on the phone... i was alone at orchard rd tt time... he said he will get to me asap n i just continue to walk... i felt much better after i let it all out n tried to get myself tgt again. as i walk i tried to think for an aim before the feeling of alone over take me again... went to look for a new pants as the skirt is kinda big for me. i was really hungry while waiting for him to come... while heck care i jus head into a korean cuisine restaurant... the waiter ask if i was alone n i smiled n said yes to him. finally got seated after 10mins. before i knew it i was eating a set meal with rice, 4 side dishes, a soup n milk tea all by myself.. ming only came like 15mins later...
i've realized i have not been socializing with people recently... i noe it was coming... i've tried contacting but everyone is just busy with their own life... i really felt like an intruder n dare not asked further... if it meant sth, they will get back to me... i started to envy others... those who have some1 to call out to... some1 they noe they will be there for them... like ming got mark... i've told ming i will wan to have time for my frens as well... i'm not those sticky type gf tt only hang out with bf, i would very much likes to hav frens to hang out with... heres the chance but i hav no one to share wif... so whats the point. i told him... i dun wan to rely entirely on him but looks like i only got him to rely on now... its foolish for me to say such a thing but i really felt empty sometimes... i'll just hav to do sth to make myself feels better, using every reason i could think of to console myself tt it is not as bad as i tot... things just dun work out the way tt i wan tts all... i'll just hav to stick with what i have now... mb i should start socializing with new frens... i'm too comfortable in my own zone tt i really closing myself to others outside... hav been working for like 8mths now... but only starts getting to know my working colleagues better recently... i tink the biggest prob is myself... i shut myself off from anything outside... i'll just have to thicken up my face skin n start to deal with things in my life again...
after all im thankful for my family... my dad is getting better n almost as gd as before... he has more appetite now n jokes alot more too... can see he is enjoying his life better too... every small things meant a lot now den before... family r after all the most reliable and i'm grateful to have such a wonderful one in my life... happy bday mum! :)
wish upon a star atTuesday, October 28, 2008.Tuesday, October 28, 2008
another day has passed...went for shopping with my mum after work!!! hehe... long time din spend time shoppin with my mum since i'm back from aussie... plus she seldom leave the hse when my dad at home... anw... quality time spent... we spent 4 hrs shopping within wisma and taka only... haha. went to forever21... think the clothes there dun suit me, even S is too big for me~~ give up man... nonetheless, i bought a pair of gorgeous white slip on at PAZZION~ they r havin big sale man~~ 30 to 50% discount~~~ got mine at $41.50. its the last pair~ luckily not the display one... its so hard for me to find shoes of my size... size 34 only comes in 1 pair per design... i saw another pair of black heels, its gorgeous too!!~~ but guess i'll seldom wear it to work... so i hav to let there one go... :( ... i saw one very very similar one at C&K... at a slightly lower price but of coz not tt comfortable, n guess what... dun have my size... -_-|||.. guess its better tt way too... control my buying... hehe... have been finding excuse to buy dress... haha... said it is for my cousin's ROM... but cant find one... end up bought a top from hula & co... its sale everywhere man... haha... so shiok~ but have to control... saw a bag there too.. thinking of gg back to get it with the $5 of discount... hehe... after tt accom my mum to look for my dad's wear... he'll be gg back to work officially.. haha tts wat my mum said... haha... officially... i just hope he can stay healthy while gg back to work... sure have certain level of stress... tink my mum will take very gd care of him... anw, rest of the nite i'm accoming my mum to look for her clothes till taka closes at 9.30pm!! haha... we walked pass those branded shops... window shopping... wondering when can i get my very own branded bag... hahaha! we chatted all the way... talking abt how i feel at work n thinking of further studies... abt my bro n cousins... etc etc... really quality time spent :)time to slp~ gotta get ready for bed n call ming~ hehehehe~:)(:
wish upon a star atFriday, May 30, 2008.Friday, May 30, 2008
it feels so gd to be back in sg again... haha! sudden have tt kind of feeling... life is so much better in sg den aussie... was doing a little thinking while i was bathing just now... was lost in thoughts in my own world.. i've thought thru lots of things... been thinking how i wan my future to be...
back to the ground... sex and the city is so nice!~ it makes the movie money worth while. haha... met ming, fel n gene at amk hub... went to the cheapest jap set meal place for dinner... its really cheap i shuld say... but the food is so so ok ok only... what more can expect from tt price range... but got free flow of green tea~ haha... anw... watched sex and the city with fel n gene... yes... the 3 of us only. haha~ ming went hm early to celebrate his mum's bday.... the show is great! thou i din watch the drama series... but it did show a few mins of flashback for each character... its full of brands and fancy dresses... like it is so easy to get~ haha... who dun wish to have tt kind of luxury life? aww... how i wonder... haha!
money factor... how to save up man? have been spending my money... last mth esp. din really buy anything for myself... have been spending on bdays and mother's day presents... worse still... GSS is here... since i'm working ive been thinking of spending more den what i used to to make myself feel happy... there's endless things on my buy list! awww... how i wish i can afford anything i want.... haha! the tots makes me what to find some job tt can earn big bucks! but where to find man... thinking abt my job now... do i really want to work in the lab for the rest of my 'career' life? its challenging thou... alot of memory work... do i enjoy doing it every 8hrs of the day of my everyday life? sometimes i would prefer human contact... like helping and have direct contacts with patients etc etc... but u noe.... great power comes with great responsibilities... haha! oh... n i saw a masters course opening~~~~ was thinking of trying it even thou i think its damn hard to get it... 1st its sg, 2nd its under the division of graduate of medical studies... duh~ it sounded so chiam already!!! to get into the course is one thing, to get the scholarship for tt is another... fat hope i guess~ was thinkin of trying scholarships since i still got my study loans to pay off for the next 4 yrs!!! it really cost alot for my parents to afford overseas studies~ its all abt money!!! how am i gonna repay them? shuld i keep moving on with this job or further studies to get a 'better' paying job? haiz... im still working on tt... it comes to... what i want to see myself to be in the future... sometimes i feel like trying out n not following play safe route... hello~ i'm 21 yrs old liao!~ ppl say time will pass very fast from this age to 30s... OMG~ im old... much older den my look~ haha!!! i still so short n small in size~ hahaha!
tell me what to do man... i still wanna enjoy now n for the rest of my life...
back to ground again... its 12.14am... time to slp... or else i'll be tired at work again...
-_- ||| *yawns* haiz....
wish upon a star atWednesday, May 28, 2008.Wednesday, May 28, 2008
i had a splendid week last week i shuld say... spent every bits of time fruitfully... haha!
mon met xueni for dinner at marina sq, waraku...
tue met felicia for dinner at cwp, sakae...
wed met joanne... to buy soofen's bday present..
thur labour day! i drove to cwp with my parents... parking is really scary esp. in shoppin mall carpark!
fri met joanne, soofen, liwang n bf, peihuan and yen ping... bday celebration for soofen n yenping... nice catching up with soofen esp as well as joanne for the past 2 days.. haha...
weekends slpet till i song den woke up... cant rem wat i did on sat... probably slacking ard at hm :P... sun went to look for presents... yes presentS... lots of frens bday tis month as well as mothers day! planning to buy SKII products for my mum~ think i'm gonna burn a hole in my wallet liao... no shoppin for me this month :( n we finally went to bedok jetty... hehe... basically he cycle me there coz we took the double one... n i din peddle much... haha... took taxi home n tt uncle go by longer way!!! very angry sia... if only i knew the way...
its really nice to catch up with frens once in awhile... esp. in this 'adult life' where everyone is busy with their own daily routine life... or perhaps only me n my routine work... :( but i'm lookin fwd for more tts coming up... :)
half of this week i've already spent time with xueni on mon as her model... haha... long story but i hope i've really helped her coz i felt those photos of me r not very nice... :( n tue looking for bday presents again... finally got 1 tick off the list... n 3 more to go... :( n spent not so enjoyable night as we quarrel over bad mood cum attitude stuffs... hope it will just wear off with time... too tense for us to explain ourselves... i hav mine to say n u hav urs... mb its really hard for both of us to convey ourselves at the same time... i really cant give in at such a situation at that time... neither do u can u? u might sound as thou its really hard for u to lift up ur head but its the understanding i wan to hear from u... im sorry tt i can't talk to u as nice as u r trying to be... as i said, u might as well ignore me at tt time coz no matter what i say is not nice to ur ears... but eventually... we r even off when u slam the door on my elbow accidentally rite?? haha... probably both of us r tired after work n not as much time spent tgt? well prepare for more man as some1 is gg to be botak soon! n we'll hav to settle our trip soon~ lets plan tgt k?
:)(:
wish upon a star atTuesday, May 06, 2008.Tuesday, May 06, 2008
